


More Espresso, Less Depresso

by ApplePieThatsFrickingWorthIt



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Coffee Shops, Dialogue Heavy, I Blame Tumblr, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Klaus is worried about his brother, Klaus watches Queer Eye, Number Five Loves Coffee, POV Original Character, Post Season 1, Sober Klaus Hargreeves, Unhealthy Amount of Caffeine Intake, in the past tho, more espresso less depresso
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 11:22:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20656409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApplePieThatsFrickingWorthIt/pseuds/ApplePieThatsFrickingWorthIt
Summary: A very confused Starbucks barista has to deal with Number Five's ridiculous coffee order and listens in on his sibling bickering with Klaus. Exactly how many espresso shots can you legally serve someone anyway?Set post Season 1, after they have travelled back in time.





	More Espresso, Less Depresso

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, so I read a old tumblr post today about baristas having a woman order enough espresso to fill a venti cup. (I would link it but it was just a screenshot on instagram so idk how but credit to that post for the idea) and basically I couldn't stop thinking about how much that sounded like Number Five. And so, here we are. I had Five go one bigger, apparently the Trenta cups are for iced drinks only but i figured Five wouldn't let that stop him.  
Anyways, I hope you enjoy, if you do a kudos or comment would honestly make my day. Thanks so much for reading. x

“What’s the largest size you do?” 

Candice blinked. It had been a long day and at first, when she couldn’t see the owner of the voice, she wondered if she was hallucinating. Then, the impatient tap of a foot drew her eyes downwards to where a boy, no older than thirteen glared up at her over the edge of the high counter. 

“Oh, well that would be the Trenta, it’s 31Oz, but it’s only for our iced drinks.” She said, plastering on her customer service smile. The kid frowned. 

“Fine, that then, but with espresso.” He sighed with the weariness of an old man. 

“I’m...I’m sorry young man what was that?” She stuttered, slightly unnerved by the teenager’s presence. 

“A Trenta, full of espresso, however many that is.” The teen said flippantly. 

“Oh, umm, that will be rather...expensive, kid.” She hesitated, the iced rule already lost from her mind.

“Price doesn’t matter.” 

“Okay…well after a few shots it will become really bitter, standing waiting and-” He cut her off. 

“I don’t care.” 

“Oh. Oh. Okay…” She glanced around at the practically empty store, wondering for a second if this was actually illegal as she began to key in the shots. All 31 of them. 

“Klaus, are you getting anything?” The kid asked. The man behind turned to face them. Candice had assumed he had been talking on the phone but as he turned she could see no sign of one. Come to think of it, he didn’t look like he could afford a phone, his dark fur coat torn and battered. 

“Are you buying?” The man’s eyes lit up and the kid sighed. 

“You’re hardly going to are you.” He sighed and the older man beamed. 

“Strawberries & Creme Frappuccino please.” 

“Klaus, it’s the middle of winter.” The teen pointed out, ‘Klaus’ shrugged. 

“It’s tasty!” The teenager rolled his eyes.

“So...that’s one Strawberries & Creme Frappuccino and...31 shots of espresso.” She totalled up the price and Klaus whistled.

“You sure you can drink that much coffee?” He asked, squinting at the number on the display screen. “You ain’t as big as you used to be.” Candice frowned at that but the older man seemed to find himself funny, the kid merely glared.

“Don’t question me.” He snapped.

“As the adult here I’m going to have to say no.” Klaus said, but there was a teasing air to his tone. 

“ _ Yes” _ The teenager practically hissed. Klaus raised his hands in surrender. Candice hovered awkwardly over the till, not sure which of the two to obey. 

“Oooh alright Christ on a cracker, someone hasn’t had his morning coffee hey.” He seemed to be talking to thin air next to him. Candice wondered if he was one of those schizophrenics. The teenager pulled a wad of cash out of the pocket of his school blazer and handed over a selection of bills. _ What the hell was this kid, the mafia?  _

“I will just be a second.” She smiled, her service voice faltering slightly with nerves as she turned towards the barista machine. 

She had let Andy go home early; whether he had been ill or just hungover was unclear but it had been a quiet day and she figured being a little understaffed was better than him eventually puking into a latte or passing out in the supply cupboard. But now, she wished more than anything she had a witness. 

“I don’t see what the big deal is.” She heard Klaus say as he threw himself carelessly into the nearest chair. 

“The big deal? What part of the end of the world don’t you understand?” 

“No I mean, that sucks but we have like 15 years right?” She heard the kid sigh.

“I can’t believe I got stuck babysitting.” 

“Hey! That’s not fair! I’m the one babysitting you, have you seen yourself?”

“Daily, thanks for the reminder.” He muttered bitterly. There was an awkward silence for a second - the older man seeming to have struck a nerve. 

“Ah, shit, I’m sorry Five, I didn’t mean...I know it must suck like...shit.” 

_ Five? _ Strange nickname; although that being said they had called Cathy ‘Miss 65’ for months after she slept with that professor in college, which, looking back on it, was really fucked up.

“It’s fine.” ‘Five’ said through gritted teeth. “I just...need my coffee then we can get back....” He trailed off, as though sensing she was listening in. She tensed, trying to look engrossed in the task of slowly pouring more and more shots into the cup. 

“Look, what I meant, was like 15 years is a long time right? Much more than 8 days, you’ll do it buddy but you can’t burn yourself out. You can’t drink 31 espresso shots for the next 15 years.” 

“Watch me.” 

“I mean, I have no doubt you could certainly try but you know, self medicating your way through shit isn’t the answer man, I should know.” 

“Are you really trying to compare your substance abuse to my coffee order?” Candice didn’t have to be able to see his face to see the eyebrow raise. 

“I mean, it is kinda? Mormons class coffee as a sinful drug you know.” 

“Yeah well, I am not a Mormon, and you? You most definitely aren’t.”

“No, but, what I mean is, you can’t just plough through wired and expect results, you need to give time to yourself.” 

“Have you been watching Queer Eye again?” 

“Five! Look, it’s not just me saying this, Ben agrees.” 

“You can’t just say that whenever you want something Klaus.” 

“You want me to get him to tell you himself, right here?” It sounded like a dare although Candice didn’t understand why, but Five seemed to back down. 

“No offence Klaus, but you’re the last person I would take self care tips from.” 

“It’s Ben too though that’s my point! He was basically my walking consciousness of self care for ten years.” Candice frowned with confusion as she poured the last shot into the mug, the more she listened the more she wondered if maybe she really should call someone... 

“Sorry about the wait there.” She said, pushing the mug across the counter, trying to keep a safe distance. 

“Thank you.” The kid gave her a smile, the kind she imagined child psychopaths give, before he took a sip of 31 shots of espresso without so much as a flinch. 

“I...I’ll just be one moment for the strawberries and creme.” She smiled nervously and Klaus grinned at her. 

“Thanks, no rush.” Five must have glared at him. “What? 15 years remember?” He said. 

Candice threw together the frappuccino as quickly as possible, not sure she wanted to witness the pure energy of this kid added to 31 shots. 

“Here you go, have a lovely day.” If he saw the fear on her face he didn’t acknowledge it. He pulled a bill out of the teenagers pocket in a quick swipe, like he had had practice, and stuffed it into the tip jar. 

“Thanks!” He gave her a little wave and she noticed the word ‘Goodbye’ tattooed on his palm. She found herself lifting her own hand, dumbstruck offering a wave back. 

“I still don’t see why you need that much coffee to help Vanya, what you gonna do, turn into Quicksilver?” 

“Shut up Klaus.” 

And then they were gone. Candice looked at the mess she had made around the barista machine, sinking against the counter. She thought about the kids stone cold expression as he drank, about the clean up she had to do and her measly pay cheque. 

“Fuck it, i’m putting in my notice.”

** _***_ **

Later that night, she recounted the events of the day to her girlfriend. Maya worked at Costa herself ( _ Two households, both alike in dignity  _ and all that huh?), and so Candice thought she would get some sympathy for the story, the very last response she expected however was recognition. 

_ “No way, I had a kid just like that..!”  _


End file.
